Hi, My Name Is
by Jelly Bean Jenna
Summary: My first attempt at a drabble. Set S4.1 with a spin. Sam's attending meetings... Because he needs to.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi again!**

**So this is my attempt at doing a Drabble- let's see how it goes?**

**Just a forewarning- this is NOT a fluffy fic, or a really happy one, so if it's not your thing, please don't read it. **

**Chapter 1. **

This was NOT how he had ever planned on spending a Saturday night, but he didn't really have a choice. Frank and Doctor Dwyer were forcing him to do this, and until it was done, he was facing probation.

Sitting in the back of the room, on a cold, steel chair Sam let his gaze float over the room as the other attendees began taking their seats when the meeting was called to order.

When the meeting was fully called to order, a sweet melodic voice drew every ounce of attention to the centre of the room as a woman stood up and cleared her throat rather shyly.

Sam looked away as he slouched down a little lower in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest as the leather of his jacket creaked with the movement.

The mousy brunette in the centre of the room looked his way before turning back to focus on the room and introduced herself. "Hi, my name is Sylvia". Her hand fluttered out in a timid wave.

Sam resisted the urge to roll his eyes, he seriously never thought that he'd ever attend a meeting that started with 'Hi, my name is...'

******Thank for reading if you did!**

**Let me know if it's going okay? **

**Anyone want to guess where Sam is or what happened? **

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi again thanks for all the follows & reviews! Kind of surprised by the reaction it got! **

**Anyway thanks to kelly2727 & all the regulars, welcome to the newbies. **

**Chapter 2. **

The next sixty minutes dragged by painstakingly slowly as Sam was forced to endure other peoples pain and suffering.

He just couldn't seem to fathom how people would willingly put themselves through this kind of punishment. Every story was the same, every tale recanted with misery lingering behind whispered words, and every sentence started with _"Hi, my name is..."_

Sixty minutes of listening to Jane, Bob, Eddie, Travis, and Sally all start their sentences with 'Hi my name' nearly drove him insane. He doubted that those were even their real names.

He avoided starting any kind of sentence of his own tonight, but tonight was the first meeting so he hadn't actually achieved anything.

When the meeting was over Sam hit the door practically running as he made his escape with a burning feeling running through every inch of his being.

The fresh air was a welcome breath that he drew in slowly as his lungs filled with much needed oxygen. He had held his breath for the last hour of his life and he hadn't even known it until he had stepped outside ready to flee.

He had been expecting this to be a walk in the park, but he had misjudged how hard it would really be, and how much it would hurt.

******wow these chapters go by so quickly!**

**Thanks for spending two minutes here!**

**If you guessed an AA meeting, sadly Nope, so have another try?**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	3. Chapter 3

**Here's another...**

**Chapter 3. **

Seven days later Sam was back in the same building, sitting in the same chair at the same time while he waited for something to start. Anything starting would be really good right now.

Bob was in the centre of the room talking away, Sam's ears closed to whatever the guy had to say tonight. He just didn't want to hear it.

He hadn't planned on coming back, thought he'd make the acceptable excuse of saying that he forgot, but Frank was one step ahead, so here he was again for the second Saturday in a row.

"Anyone else?" Sylvia looked in Sam's direction when she asked that but he pressed his lips together in a thin line as he declined her offer by shaking his head. He wasn't ready to go there.

He was still too angry, too broken, too down right depressed to open his mouth.

Just when Sam thought that he could listen to everyone's own stories about facing their demons a familiar smell attacked Sam's senses as the tremors that had caused him to be here took over completely.

The shakes had caused him to miss a shot and put a bullet into a parked car by mistake so Frank had given him an ultimatum- get help or get another job.

*****it feels so wrong to write such short chapters!**

**But anyway let me know what you think?**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	4. Chapter 4

**Wow you guys never cease to amaze me, thank you! **

**Let's see how Sam's doing...**

**Chapter 4**

Sam's gaze swept the room until they found the source of the smell, a copious amount of emotions rendering him completely paralyzed.

He couldn't believe it, the nerve of it...it was uncomprehendeble.

There _She _stood, leaning against the wall close to the coffee table. Her attention was soley focused on a new face that had stood up sometime and started her own sentence with _'Hi my name is'_.

Everything that he had been suppressing moved over him in one giant wave, a tidal wave that knew no boundaries, no borders and no restrictions.

Sam jumped to his feet and knocked the chair in front of him over in the process, all eyes spinning to face him as he stumbled and made enough noise to bring the room to a standstill.

Sam didn't even apologize, he just picked the fallen chair up, slammed it back into an upright position and stormed out of the meeting even though it probably wasn't anywhere near over just yet.

He didn't care, he needed to get out of here, before things got too out of control for him to reign them in.

Before he went and did something else that he would be left to regret for the rest of eternity.

****** Sorry, that's another one done! **

**If you guessed, rehab or drug related meetings- sorry nope not that either. **

**So any other suspicions?**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	5. Chapter 5

**Time to read more, so here goes...**

**Chapter 5. **

Meetings were bumped up to twice a week after his little freek-out session, Sylvia obviously having told Doctor Dwyer about his little chair incident when he just walked out of the last meeting.

Tonight he was back, a Wednesday like no other he had ever had.

The second he stepped through the door he felt the air around him shift, it became thick and unbreathable as the walls closed in on him while he waited.

Tonight he sat on the other side of the room, watching the door. Just in case _She _showed up again. His mind still couldn't comprehend that of all places she chose this one to show up at.

Sam tried not to think about how he would react if _She _showed up again, so he tried to stop the shakes by talking long, deep, calming breaths.

Halfway through the meeting, Sam felt his skin tingle, his hair stand on end as a well known presence filled the room close to him.

Sam's head snapped up from its low hanging position to seek _Her_ out until the found _Her _off alone to the side in a far corner.

Sighing Sam took the sight of _Her _in, even though he was still so mad at _Her_, Andy McNally was the most beautiful creature that he had ever set eyes on.

******Thanks for reading! Hope you'll review!**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks again for all your awesomeness! **

**Thanks to kelly2727 & the regulars! **

**Chapter 6. **

Sam pinched his eyes closed, just for a second, everything in the room fading away as he cleared his mind and let nothing but darkness overcome him. He was doing his damnedest right now to _not _be present, even though he was still here.

Slowly the noises in the room began to filter back into his ears, the sounds confirming that this was real, that this was really happening right now, and it wouldn't go away because he was wishing it to be over.

His stomach clenched in a familiar knot as he let out a jagged sigh before opening his eyes into slits when he felt a presence hover over his sitting frame.

"You okay?" Sylvia asked, her face coming into view clouded in worry.

Sam could only nod, he didn't know anyone in this room well enough to say anything about what he was really feeling, or what was really going on inside his head.

Well that was actually a lie, there was only one person in this room that really understood him, and what he was going through. One person that had gone through every step of the past, and that one person was him.

*****Thanks for reading, hope you'll review?**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	7. Chapter 7

**As always, thank you for the awesome reviews & follows. **

**Thank you to the regulars & kelly2727 & if you're new- welcome to my world!**

**Chapter 7. **

When Sylvia backed away after he let out some kind of anamilistic grunt, Sam stood up, yanked on his jacket at the hem and walked over to the coffee table trying to break the spell that cast the room into awkwardness.

He was trying so hard, to forget, to forgive to move on. But it just wasn't working.

They said that the first step to recovery was admitting the problem, but how do you admit that your own guilt is the problem? That your guilt is what was dragging you down?

The answer was simple- you didn't because you couldn't.

Sam made himself some coffee and took a sip, to say that he was surprised when it tasted really good would be an understatement.

Taking a second sip, Sam actually wished that the liquid was cold and amber, not warm and dark. A whiskey would be so much better right now.

Looking around the room, he found that _She_ was gone. Relief instantly moving through him.

It was their game, what they did, it was almost like an adult version of hide and seek, only this game had to stop being played.

*****so what did you think?**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	8. Chapter 8

**As always you know what I'm gonna say, so let's get to the chapter-**

**Chapter 8. **

Sylvia seemed to call a coffee break right about then, so Sam left the table before it got too crowded.

After that, he couldn't really tell you how the rest of the meeting went, he just seemed to zone out and block real time from his mind.

It wasn't as though his mind was drifting or like he was loosing focus, he just wasn't paying attention to what was going on around him.

Until he felt the cold chill run through him as that hauntingly familiar presence returned to the room, this time hovering much closer than the previous times.

Sam felt the anger boil to the surface, his blood running cold and reaching boiling point at the same time if that was even possible.

Then everything changed, everything slipped away as Sam felt nothing but a searing pain work its way through his chest.

Tiny stars staggered across his vision as the world started to turn and tilt a little to the side. His hearing strained as everything started o sound distorted and echoed as it became faint.

Sam moved to a chair and sat down, his styrofoam cup dropping from his hand, the remains of cold coffee seeping across the floor with nowhere else to go.

*****thanks for reading!**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hi again...**

**So the reviews have spoken, lol, yup these short chapters aren't working for me; so here it is, the final installment. **

**Hope you'll enjoy & review!**

**Chapter 9- **

Sam felt a hand on his shoulder, the soft touch telling him that it was female.

Without even thinking about it he lunged to his feet, and stood up moving away without looking to see who had touched him.

"Detective Swarek!" Sylvia's voice suddenly drew through the panic he was feeling, his feet stopping from making their hasty retreat as he heard her voice rather than the one he had been dreading. Her tone was harsh and it instantly drew his attention and made him focus.

"Sit down" she ordered looking towards the last row of chairs close to the doorway.

Her tone was clipped and so Sam did the only thing he could, he found a chair and sat down, his lungs still feeling a tight squeeze.

Sylvia joined him by sitting in the chair next to him, her hand pushing his head forwards a little, towards his knees.

"Take long, deep breaths. You're having a panic attack" she said softer than the previous times that she had recently spoken.

A panic attack? Oh that was just great! He was having a panic attack in public, with people he hadn't even said a word too.

A few deep, calming breaths did the trick, Sam feeling some normalcy returning to his body.

"Don't fight it Detective. The more you force it out, the harder it will hit you" Sylvia said in a friendly but strict voice.

It was so easy for her to say, she had no idea what was going on in his life or why he was even here. So she could hand out advice freely, and it really wouldn't matter.

After sitting in silence for a while, Sylvia got up and went back to the middle of the room, Sam's annoyance staying behind to feed him into feeling frustrated now too.

It was so easy for people to judge, so easy for them to come to a conclusion without even knowing the truth.

Just like he had done.

His own conclusions are what got him to where he was today, here, in a room full of strangers.

"He's okay" Sylvia addressed the room as muted whispers about Sam floated around. It was just her way to assure everyone that their bumps in the road were a part of life, and that it wouldn't stop them from moving on.

The thought made Sam's dry chuckle sound in his own mind- moving on.

That was supposed to be the outcome of attending these meetings.

By the next meeting Sam had made peace with the fact that it would go badly again.

There wasn't another way for it to go, so it would just keep happening that way.

When he arrived he sauntered in and nodded Sylvia's way when she eyed him surprised. She obviously hadn't expected him to be back.

He kept to himself and sat down, this time in another new chair.

_Her _presence already filled the room when he arrived so Sam accepted the fact that _She _was here too. Maybe it would be easier if he did.

But life threw him another curve ball when _She _actually looked his way and smiled, like _She _was reaching out to him.

That was really unexpected.

It completely threw him for a loop.

Over the next sixty minutes, _She_ stayed in the room, _She _didn't run, or evaporated _She _just hovered.

Sam quickly grew used to _Her _presence, its warmth wrapping around him even though he was fighting to keep it away, along with the remorse and rage that was still a large part of his life, and still remained embedded deeply in him.

Maybe next time, he'd find it more comfortable to even be in the same room.

A month later nothing had changed. Sam still attended his meetings twice a week with no improvement or epiphany occurring.

He was however adjusting to the sight of _Her._

In many ways it felt wrong to think of _Her _as 'Her' or 'She'. After all _She _had a name. A name he hadn't said in a little over six months, a name he had only thought of once in six months.

But he thought about _Her _everyday.

It was hard not too, not when he still had so many ends to tie up, when they had left things so... Unfinished.

Sitting a little closer to the front of the room than he usually would, Sam's mind raced back a year to when he made promises, to when _She _still walked away and he found himself finding a really deep hatred for himself growing inside.

It was a new feeling, one that outweighed the hurt and overcame the anger.

It was something he couldn't explain, maybe it was because there was a full moon or maybe it was because a year ago in two weeks time was the day that _She _walked away from them.

The meetings were still the same, the same names, the same faces, the same _"Hi my name is..."_ Starting introductions.

It was boring after a while, but Frank hadn't relented on Sam attending because he'd been to a few meetings over two months.

Work was better, everyone started to steer clear of him so they stayed out of his face.

It lightened the burden.

And _She _was still around, some days _She'd_ be here, others _She_ wouldn't be.

But there was still too much distance between them, still too much history to change the past. And it was getting him nowhere.

He still felt the same about _Her_, still missed _Her _like he had when he first broke up with _Her_. Still loved _Her_ like he did from day one.

Maybe that was why this wasn't getting anywhere? Maybe that was why he still longed to set things right and maybe just maybe starting with her name would move things forwards.

But maybe was a big word.

So Sam set a goal, if _She_ came tonight, he'd try and close the distance between them by starting simple, starting somewhere.

When he left, he felt his heart split down the middle all over again.

_She_ hadn't come tonight, so there was no starting anything except a lonely journey home.

A week later Sam sat slumped in his chair feeling like he was ready to end all of it. Put himself out of his misery.

He contemplated doing it permanently, but was too afraid to. He chickened out the night before, and handed Frank his gun this morning before taking a few days off without an explanation.

He was really loosing himself and needed the time to get his shit together.

Tonight there were a few new faces milling around, and then suddenly there were way too many bodies filling the room. Familiar faces set on top of shoulders he knew well as the bodies huddled together in the corner above the hushed whispers about them.

But Sam knew why they were here, what they wanted.

Who they were.

They were the closest people to him, his sister Sarah. His best friend Oliver. Frank and Nash and even Noelle.

They were here for him, here to help him save his soul before there really was no going back.

They gave him room, kept their distance. They just wanted him to know that they were here for him, that he wasn't alone.

But still, in a room full of people Sam still felt lonely.

Sam met their gazes before dropping his own, they made him feel ashamed.

Because he was.

Above everything else he felt, the shame was the strongest.

Sylvia began the meeting, Sam's friends staying in their seats as they silently told Sam that they would be here for the duration of the next sixty minutes of his life.

Trying to focus on what Sylvia was saying Sam couldn't help the shudder that ran through him as a chill took up residence in the space surrounding him.

_Her _perfume filled his nostrils, the sweet smell instantly familiar as _She _sat down a few chairs away from him.

It was the closest that _She_ had ventured in a solid twelve months.

Sam looked away and then looked back at _Her,_ _Her _smile small but still visible.

Man he missed this, missed _Her _smell and _Her _smile and the way _She_ would look at him so adoringly.

And for those few seconds Sam felt like time stopped, like this was how it was supposed to be.

It felt normal and irreplaceable, and those few short seconds were all he needed to know. To know what to do, and to know how to do it.

Sylvia started the meeting running through her 'no pressure' speech to welcome the newbies before she tilted her head to the side and watched Sam.

She could tell that today was harder than average days were for him, that today he was struggling and losing the fight.

"I don't usually say much, just run the meetings but today I'd like to start" Sylvia said still watching Sam.

"Um, hi my name is Sylvia Johnston. I hail from Michigan but moved here a year ago when things were really tough".

Sam casually glanced around the room, everyone seemed surprised that sylvia was taking the floor. Obviously no-one in this group knew her story.

It had Sam tense up, become edgy.

He knew everyone else in this room's story, except the couple that were here for the first time tonight.

He knew Bob's, and Jane's and Mercia's and Ryan's and no-one knew his.

Somewhere along the lines he thought that by keeping his story to himself, it would make it easier.

"I moved because I couldn't live in my street without the stares and whispers, without my kids being tormented at school". Sylvia continued.

"I moved here because I shot and killed my own husband" Sylvia stated plunging the room into a tense silence.

Everyone in the room had a pretty good idea of what Sylvia had been through, and how she felt. It was the reason that they were all here.

Bob killed his wife when he drove drunk.

Jane left the gate to her swimming pool open when she went to answer the phone, her toddler drowned.

Mercia was driving to her boyfriends house when she ran over a cyclist as he zoomed out in front of her. He didn't make it, and she held his hand while he bled out waiting for medics to arrive.

Sam guessed that the new couple lost one of their children and were attending the grief counseling just to make it through the day.

"He worked shifts and we'd had a few break-ins in the neighborhood so he bought a gun. He came home one night in the middle of the night, and just walked into our bedroom while I was sleeping. He taught me how to shoot that gun, and when I got scared I just grabbed it and pulled the trigger again and again".

Sylvia kept talking, her attention still focused on Sam like she was issuing a challenge.

But like he would ever get up there and say anything.

Sam turned to the side distracted momentarily by the person sitting next to him.

_She _was still smiling, but this time he could swear that _Her_ eyes were clouded in tears.

_She_ nodded faintly and Sam knew that no matter what, he had to see this through. Had to do the only thing left to do.

A momentary lapse in concentration caused several emotions to flow through him at once.

Looking in his friends direction they all seemed to be wearing the same face that he was- a sad one.

Oliver and Nash smiled sadly at him, like they knew the internal battle he was facing.

And then the final pieces made sense. He finally understood.

He even understood how hard this was on them too, how hard seeing him like this was.

"Anyone else?" Sylvia asked when she was done.

Sam slid his hand up, a slow smile curving her lips up in the corners. She thought that maybe telling her story would help him, maybe if he told his own, it actually would help him.

Sylvia nodded and moved away, Sam finding his feet as the shakes returned and his insides turned numb.

"Hi, my name is Sam. I'm a Detective at Fifteen Division, a local". See, it wasn't that hard.

Sam let his gaze swing to his friends, Nash was smiling so proudly that he knew he was making the right decision.

"A year ago I screwed up. I um," Sam let out a dry chuckle as he moved his eyes to movement in the doorway.

There _She _stood, watching him.

"I broke up with the best thing I've ever had because I was stupid". Sam took a deep breath, his gaze still fixed on _Her_. Maybe it would be easier if he actually said everything to _Her._

"I made a mistake, and I'm sorry. But I can't change it, I can't undo it and I can't live with it". Sam's voice cracked at the end before breaking into a moments silence.

Why was this still so damned hard?

Sam tried to focus on _Her, and Her alone,_ but it was hard to look _Her _in the eye and be so open and honest.

"I didn't mean too, I'd just lost my best friend... And I was so scared. Scared that I wouldn't be enough. Scared that _She'd _be next..."

Sam trailed off and looked at Oliver. He didn't mean for his friendship with Jerry to sound more important than his one with Oliver.

Oliver's reassuring smile told him that he hadn't taken it that way, he understood exactly what Sam meant. Their friendships differed, each of them having a solid bond with the other in a triangle, in their own way.

"I um, let her walk away after that. Let her take an assignment that I knew was dangerous and I didn't even try and stop her" Sam said seconds later, his voice tight.

"She um, she called me six months later and um...". Sam stopped short and couldn't say another word. It was too painful.

"I love her, like I could see us getting married kind of love her" Sam ran a hand over his face and dared to look back at the doorway.

_She_ was still there, _Her_ smile having faded as _She_ watched him.

_Her _face was void of all emotion, everything wiped from _Her _delicate features.

And it broke Sam's heart and yet it somehow forced him to carry on.

"She called me, and said my name and all I said was McN... Hers and hung up. I was so mad at her, so consumed by my own anger that I just ended the call and turned my phone off. She was reaching out to me, and I just let myself get angry and feel that more than what I felt for her". Sam's tone dropped, his voice husky and low before it wept into silence.

"They, um her and her partner were found the next week when some guys went to work. They'd been um,...". Sam looked at the roof, then the floor, then his friends.

"They were both shot, and didn't make it, because I hung up. I couldn't give her five minutes to just listen to her and it got her killed". Sam's tone became erratic as he let the full force of his emotions carry out on his words. "Because of that, she's never coming back".

"She was only twenty-nine years old, had her whole life in front of her... And I took it away".

Sam felt wetness on his cheek, his hand moving up to touch his cheek to find one single stray tear running down it.

It felt strange, he hadn't even cried at _Her _funeral, but here he was now in a room full of strangers breaking down.

"But, I still love her, still miss her. I still can't accept that she's gone..." Sam mumbled looking towards the door where _She _still stood.

_She_ was just frozen in time now, just the way he remembered _Her_. _She _was how _She_ had been since the day _She_ died and all that was left was his memory of _Her_, a vivid image that followed him around like _She_ was haunting him. A perfect image, just like he remembered from the locker room the night _She _left for Dakota. The last time he had seen _Her_.

But it was time to let _Her _go.

He couldn't keep doing this to himself, keeping _Her_ here like this wasn't fair to any of them because it changed who he could have become to who he allowed himself to be, and that wasn't a nice person. He could see that it was taking its toll on the faces he knew that had shown up tonight to offer their support. He couldn't hold on to this anymore, hold on to the rage and the hate, to the sorrow.

"I won't ever stop, it won't ever change. I'll always feel guilty, always regret it. But I'll always love her". Sam tried to find a smile before pinching his eyes closed.

"She wouldn't hold it against me if she was still here, she wouldn't hate me or be angry about it. She would have forgiven me because that's how she was, regardless if I deserved her forgiveness or not".

It had been painful to stand here and relive everything, it hurt to admit it all but he had too at one point or another.

Sam felt some of the harsher feelings leave his body, calmness replacing them as he took one last deep breath and opened his eyes. It was time to forgive himself.

"Her name is Andy McNally" Sam said as he watched Andy's face curve up into a beaming smile and her hand streaked out to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

_She _looked so happy.

The cold chills that consumed him suddenly began to fade as a tingle spread through him, a warmth so bright and fuzzy that he welcomed the feeling as it took over.

Sam blinked as he watched Andy start to fade away, _She_ was finally free because he had been able to let _Her_ go completely.

Feeling his burden lighten Sam turned to seek Sylvia out, a glow on her face as she wiped a tear away from her own eye.

She was really proud of him right now, he'd come a long way since being the black energy that sat at the back of the room such a short time ago.

Sam entertained one last thought before walking over to his friends where he sat down between them no longer wanting to have the space that was there between them, the one that had divided them since he started blaming himself the day that the bodies had been found.

He wondered if he came back next week if Sylvia would let him start by saying "Hi, her name was Andy...".

****** So? Good? Bad? In the middle!?**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


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